Lesson learnt from my 94 year old mother

I was fortunate enough to be able to take a trip to New York to visit my mother in January. With all the stress and costs of Covid, my trip was limited to myself and my eldest son Max. We only went for 2 weeks and flew via Dubai (our first time that way to New York). We didn’t visit friends and we didn’t do any NYC sightseeing. We only saw the skyline of NYC on the way from and to the airport. 

After arriving at JFK International Airport, we travelled 2 hours north to the small town of Goshen, New York. My hometown. My mom’s hometown. My grandfather’s hometown. Even my great grandfather’s hometown. Yes, there is history there for me. But most important, it is where my mom decided she wants to live her last years.

Every day Max asked, “What are we doing today?”. Not much Max, hanging with Grandma. That is what we did for 2 weeks (minus travel time and quarantine time). It was perfect.

Upon reflecting, here are some takeaways I had from our time with mom.

Living in the moment is the key to happiness. 

“The foolish person seeks happiness in the distance. The wise person grows it under his feet.” James Oppenheim.

 Experts tell us anxiety is caused from either worrying about what happened in our past or what is going to happen in our future. We can’t change the pasts and well, we don’t always have control over our future. So best to live in the now.

My mother’s memory is not great. So, stressing about the past is not an option. She even doesn’t remember that there is a virus out there called COVID. And Trump who? She knows she has to wear a mask, maybe not why. She is a rule follower, so she does it. She is not stressing about time lost due to COVID and she isn’t worrying about what if she gets it. She is just grateful for the day. 

That is how we should all live. Grateful for the day.

Remember the good, forget the rest. My mom tends to remember only the pleasant things. Like Max and I are coming to see her. She had a great visit with Max and the others who came that week. She might not remember COVID, to take her meds, or what she ate for dinner. That is ok, her brain seems to keep the memories that serve her the best. And we have a helper, Jenn, who comes in and helps her with the meds (and so much more).

Shouldn’t we all live like this, only remembering the best. We would certainly be more content. Oh, and I want a Jenn too!

 Exercise is key. I pray at 94 I can still get out of my chair unaided. Mom always made sure she kept herself fit. She skied until 80, taught yoga in her 60s and then Tai Chi in her 70s. She got extremely sick at 80 and nearly didn’t make it. I was with her for the month she had to relearn to walk. If she wasn’t so fit, I am not sure she would be with us today. She still does exercise every Monday-Friday at 12pm. It is chair exercise. Yes, you exercise sitting down. Does she like it. “No” she says almost proudly. But she does it. (THIS IS SOMETHING SHE DOESN’T FORGET). Result = she can still get out of her chair unaided.

Lesson: Keep exercising. Doesn’t matter if you don’t like it. Your 94 self will thank you.

Photographs are important. My mom has an Alexa (the name we don’t dare say out loud in her apartment, because she has 2 of them and they like to talk back). The greatest thing about the Alexa is we can drop in and see her any time for a face-to-face chat. She doesn’t have an iPhone for facetime. She wouldn’t remember how to use it.

The Alexa also has a slide show function. Mom loves looking at these photos. It is like she sees them for the first time each time. I love to watch her expressions when she sees them. Living alone is not easy. These photos, and her cat, keep her going.

“OLD AGE IS NOT FOR SISSIES”  Mom’s exact words and I think Bette Davis’s words too. When you see the effort it takes mom to get up in the morning; Get into a car; Get out of a car. You understand what she means. But I told her, the other option is not so great either, Mom agreed. (Well, I would like to think she did, I think I got a “maybe”)

A happy fulfilled life is the key to ageing gracefully. I could write a novel about this one. Let’s keep it short. After my week with mom, I realized, best to do what you want in life. Go after your dreams (even if they don’t work out), be the kindest person you can be, help others, travel where you want. Get old with no regrets. Then you can be satisfied in old age, knowing you did your best in life. Everyone’s dreams will be different sizes and shapes. What they are doesn’t matter. But that you attempted them does. 

If bacon makes you happy, eat it. There are two foods my mom loves. Bacon and vanilla ice-cream. Every time we went out or ordered lunch, she got the BLT. One morning I got her a side of bacon for breakfast. That was 5 pieces. Then we went for lunch. YUP, she ordered the BLT. I am not saying be a glutton. But hell, if you are 94 years old and you want the bacon, get the bacon! Do you have to be 94 to take this advice? I will leave that up to you.

I could keep going, my mom sure is a gem. But these were the main lessons that came to mind. One last one:

Take time to spend with loved ones. Really spend time with them. Even if what you are doing (like playing bingo) is not your thing. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed. And today is truly a gift.

 “Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.” Ida Scott Taylor